Sexual Desire

Sexual Desire is a tricky thing. It involves intricate connections between thoughts, sensations, social construct, default physiologcial responses, relationship to self and other - it's hardly a surprise that many people struggle with 'too low', 'too high' or 'mismatched' sexual desire. 

 

There are so many ideas, opinions and expectations about it.  Many of us grew up watching soapies, reading 'Mills & Boon' and witnessing a very manufactured demonstration of what sexual desire, and arousal is. 
Porn hasn't helped much either. 

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It is important to understand that sexual desire fluctuates depending on a variety of factors, a primary factor being physiological dysregulation due to stress, anxiety, trauma, depression and a number of other things. The good news, is that once we can accept that sexual desire is influenced by things, we can work WITH it to maximise pleasure and joy in a way that fits into your individual experience at that particular time in your life.  

Sexual desire and arousal are two different things, although they are of course connected.

Sexual arousal is a physiological (bodily) response to stimuli. There does not necessarity need to be desire, for arousal to occur. 
Similarily, you can experience sexual desire without sexual arousal. Some people enjoy this, and for others it is very frustrating. 

Sexual desire can be categorised in two ways:

1. Spontaneous sexual desire, which is like a a firecracker, instant with little effort.

2. Responsive sexual desire, which is more like building a camp fire from scratch. It takes a little time and effort but it can burn just as bright. 

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Sometimes, partners experience a mismatched sexual desire, and this can cause all sorts of issues. Fears of rejection, frustration, worries about being broken or not good enough. These issues, dont just stay in the bedroom, they seep out into other areas of the relationship too. 

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When approaching the issue of mismatched sexual desire, or 'too high/low' sexual desire, it is essential that we consider the phsyiological regulation of the body. Finding a sense of safety in the body, and the mind, and the relationship, is the key to navigating issues around sexual desire and maximizing the joy of pleasure. 

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